No photographs tonight…

Tonight is Sunday night. A Sunday night like any other… I’m studying for tests and wishing I had gotten more sleep before church. Nothing out of the ordinary, and despite the amazing birthday weekend I’ve had, I can’t say I’m at a place where I’m completely at peace. This would probably be because I’m so prone to falling back to the things which I know will hurt me.

Scroll back a few days in your calendar and you’ll find Sophia pretty much miserable. At this moment I’m laughing at myself for even writing that, but hey, the truth is the truth. God never promised this life would be easy, but He did promise that He would be there through every step, and for those of us with the blessed assurance that Jesus is ours, we never have to fear.

New Year’s Eve two-thousand and nine I found myself in God’s sweet hands, but I also found myself hearing His voice. Not to go into details, but it was definitely something that was hard to hear. He asked me to give away something… my heart. Yes, something a little more specific than that, but its something dear to me… I knew exactly what the Lord had told me and the only doubts were those of my flesh and my enemy. And every time I begin it to doubt what the Lord has confirmed within me, the Holy Spirit reminds me what is not of Him. Every since that evening it’s been a struggle and this past week was no different. In all actuality, it was different, but not in a good way. As I cried out to Him, I asked why I couldn’t feel Him… I had tasted and seen that He is GOOD. I knew His voice and His gentle touch, and I couldn’t feel it.

My heart was growing weary from fighting a fight I could not win. I needed my Savior and I needed His hope and peace to fill me. I continued to cry out in hopes of a rescue. Where had I taken myself? Deep down, I knew completely that I had traveled away simply by disobedience. The realization that He wasn’t going to heroically sweep me away and fix the situation in an instant was a lot to take in. I can’t say I know exactly how this whole situation is going to work out, but I was at the point where I was wondering how the Lord asking me to go through this instead of taking me out of it was beneficial. What good is making me go through this trial instead of just taking me out? For me, that question can only be answered by the fact that, it is only when we’re broken we can be made whole. And, oh, how He longs to make us whole and show us His perfect love & plan.

He hasn’t given me the answers I’ve wanted, no, but I know all things work out for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Not being able to feel Him is a numbness that is beyond description. Not being able to hear Him is a deafness that only gets louder as the heart hardens. Losing faith is painful when you know what He has done and what He is capable of… but as I witnessed this week… sometimes it’s in those moments when He can come alive to us in such a unique way that can never be experienced but by feeling complete brokenness.

I know my journey is far from over. I know He is no where near done with me yet, and that in itself brings me peace as I fall back on the things which hurt me. My stupidity is covered by His love, and oh boy if that doesn’t make you feel better.. what will? But I encourage you, if you are broken, if you can’t feel Him, if you are searching for His voice in the thunderstorm of life; know this: His faithfulness never fails, His love never leaves, His grace always covers, His mercy is ever-present, His joy can always be your strength, His arms are always an available home, His hands are always holding you, His comfort is beyond imagination, His plan is perfect, and He gave it all for you! He wouldn’t put you through whatever it is you’re going through for nothing. His sacrifice was not in vain. Surrender is painful, but each crack as He breaks you is one bit closer to being filled again.

To end this on a high note… lemme tell ya! My birthday was amazing, and He has revealed so much to me the past few days… so, yeah, the struggles are always there, but each moment of our lives, the Conqueror is bringing us one step closer to Victory.

I feel like I could say so much more… but I’ll stop here.

Reader, whoever you are… I’ll pray for you, and if you feel like returning the favor, my appreciation would be abounding.

Psalm 33:20-22 “We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in You.”


3 Responses to “Two.Fourteen.OhTen”

  1. TaylorSmith Says:

    Love this post Sophia! God is working in you and growing you into a beautiful woman after His heart. And it’s going to be so incredibly trying at times but He is so faithful and loving and strong enough to carry you through the good and the bad.
    Love you. Praying for you.

  2. TaylorSmith Says:

    ps, If ya ever need to chat things out, i’m always around.

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